My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.