My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
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the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.