My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move