My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”