@torrami

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

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@JackMackenroth

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

@TitansHomer

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

@ericsshadow

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

@ChefRonSullivan

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

@TheWickedMe

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

@lizziejacklyn

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

@autogynefiles

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

@ColoradoUgly

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches