My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I beg your pardon?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden