My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
man: wait
time: no
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Pringles
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔