My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
oppen heimer style lol
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale