My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
who did the taste test?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.