My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else