My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.