My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Blew out my flip flop…