MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”