My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
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I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.