My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing