My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me if I was a dog
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
The funk soul brother
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.