“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
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Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.