*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
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What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
What if all the cashiers are married?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!