My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
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The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Every damn time
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
The Compass
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.