My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’