My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*