My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
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Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.