My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I already tried new things thanks.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.