My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
had to make it
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.