My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?