my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.