My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
You got this…
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Worst perfume name ever.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen