my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
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Its a hippotatomus
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.