My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
You Might Also Like
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Shoo shoo! 😂
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My last name is Zilla.