My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
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sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
“Change is never easy…”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.