My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
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Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too