@joeldanger

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

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@suntzufuntzu

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

@SteveSuckington

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@ArfMeasures

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

@OrvllShrednbchr

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

@KrazykurtKurt

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

@dannyboy7813

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

@MacDicksonShow

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

@Reverend_Scott

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat