@joeldanger

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

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@IDontSpeakWhine

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

@SaraESpivey

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

@BacklineNurse

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

@AaronFullerton

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

@fro_vo

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

@

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

@bekindofwitty

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

@theDanLawler

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

@Chhapiness

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!