My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.