My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

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yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other


[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”


healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok


ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe


10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.


Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.


The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever


Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”


What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat