My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.