My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
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The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.