My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

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Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.


Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.


Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.


advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them


If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.


i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them


Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.


My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.