My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Cashiers are always checking me out
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
was Jim off killing horses or…
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.