@bobsin Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
@HomeProbably My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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@bobsin 
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
@weinerdog4life Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
@Reverend_Scott Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
@jackiembouvier Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
@KeetPotato advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
@5hael If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
@adamgreattweet i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
@Tbone7219 Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
@Bob_Janke My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.