My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Oh we’ve met.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.