My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

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*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*


[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]


The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.


A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.


To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.


Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…


parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are


If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen


I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit


Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?