@_NinJar *cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
@iamjohnsarris My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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@_NinJar 
@chadchaines [phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
@lovemydogduck The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
@mdob11 A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
@Brianhopecomedy To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
@HenpeckedHal Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
@GrantTanaka parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
@WheelTod If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
@Bob_Janke I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
@BobTheSuit Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL