@iamjohnsarris

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

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@_NinJar

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

@chadchaines

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

@lovemydogduck

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

@mdob11

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@HenpeckedHal

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

@GrantTanaka

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

@WheelTod

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

@Bob_Janke

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

@BobTheSuit

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL