My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
You Might Also Like
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
PARKOUR
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy