My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
You Might Also Like
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Perfection.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Noah was an idiot.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.