My patronus is a cheeseburger
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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.