My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Ugh
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
$3 #books
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.