My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.