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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.