My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
You Might Also Like
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I have two kinds of followers
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?