My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.