My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.