My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing