My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
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Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”