My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus