My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
You Might Also Like
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”