My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
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Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My circle of trust is a meatball
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.