My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
You Might Also Like
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat